


Steamed Hams but it's a Homestuck fanfic

by InSearchOfSpace



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I hate myself, Other, Please forgive me for making this it was like 5 AM, Steamed Clams, Steamed Hams, This is literally a fucking shitpost, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 06:51:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13002228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InSearchOfSpace/pseuds/InSearchOfSpace
Summary: Karkat joins Nepeta for an unforgettable luncheon, which unfortunately doesn't go as planned. Shitposting ensues.





	Steamed Hams but it's a Homestuck fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> i'm like so sorry for making this

Nepeta opened the door almost as soon as the doorbell chimed, as though she were waiting by it. Though despite her punctuality with door opening, her guest of honor wasted in no time in his critique.

"Well, Nepeta. I made it. _DESPITE_ your shitty directions." Karkat said, glaring at her with a bottle of champagne in his hand, wrapped in red ribbon. Nepeta beamed at him, clad in an apron, putting her hands behind her back. "Ah! Karkat, welcome! I hope you're prepared fur an unpurrgetable luncheon~!" She said, bouncing on her heels excitedly as she looked at him. Karkat just grumbled, walking past her.

As Karkat saw himself to the table, she slipped into the kitchen with a hum, only to let out a gasp upon seeing the smoke billowing from her oven. She rushed over in disbelief, dropping to her knees as she opened it up. "You gotta be kitten me! My oinkbeast roast! I-It's ruined!" She said in shock, putting one hand on her head as she closed the oven door once again. 

Nepeta began to pace back and forth, dwelling on her situation when just then, something outside of her window happened to catch her eye. The local fast food joint: Condesce Burger. "But what if..." She put her finger to her lips, thinking out loud. "I were to purrrchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking..?" Nepeta grinned, giggling to herself. "Hehehe~... That's pawsitively purrfect, Nepeta!"

She opened up the window and put her apron back at lightning fast speed, though once her leg was half outside the house, Karkat pushed open the kitchen door, squinting at her in suspicion.

 

_♪ Nepeta with her crazy explanations,_  
_Karkat Vantas' gonna need a sopor slime pie!_  
_When he hears Nep's lame exaggerations,_  
_There'll be trouble in town tonight!_ ♫ 

**"FUUUUUUUUUUUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS!"**

"Karkat, I was just-- Uh, s-stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise! Care to join me? :33 " She said, stepping away from the window.

"Why is there smoke coming out of your gas-operated thermal food chamber, Nepeta?" Karkat asked with a hand on his hip, pointing at the dark smoke coming from Nepeta's oven, gathering at the ceiling.

"Um, that isn't smoke, Karkat! It's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're gonna be having!" Nepeta said, looking between Karkat and the oven, before rubbing her stomach as though she'd just had a delicious meal, grinning all the while. "Mmmm, steamed clams!"

Karkat just shot her an unconvinced look before heading back to the table, causing Nepeta to let out a sigh of relief, running the back of her hand along her forehead before pouncing out the window, sprinting to the restaurant across the street with great speed. Not 5 minutes later, Nepeta came out of the kitchen with a platter of burgers and fries, unbeknown to Karkat, brought from across the street.

"Karkitty, I hope you're ready fur mouthwatering moobeast patties!" She beamed down at him, only for Karkat to raise an eyebrow as he tucked a napkin into the neck of his sweater. "I thought we were having steamed clams." He said bluntly, just as Nepeta set down the platter right in front of him. 

"No, no! I said steamed hams! That's what I call moobeast patties!" She said, grinning. Her exterior was as jovial as always, but her interior monologue was in complete fucking panic, hoping Karkat wouldn't see through any of these lame exaggerations she was making. She kept her gaze on Karkat, sitting opposite him.

"You call moobeast patties 'steamed hams'?" Karkat said with his usual unimpressed tone, completely lost. 

"Yes! Um... It's a regional dialect!" Nepeta said, putting her elbows on the table as she looked over at him.

"What the f-... What fucking region of Alternia says 'steamed hams'?!" Karkat asked, throwing up his hands in complete, utter befuddlement.

"No, no not Alternia! Er... It's an _Earth_ expression!" She said, sitting back with wide eyes.

"Really." He said with his head tilted to the side, eyes narrowed. "Well, I've been talking to some of the humans and I've not once heard the phrase 'steamed hams'."

"Well, maybe you haven't been talking to the right humans, Karkitty!" She said, reaching over to pat his shoulder. Karkat just stared at her hand, before looking back at her. "I see." Karkat finished, completely unconvinced, but seeing no further reason to continue that particular line of questioning

Karkat reached forward to grab a steamed ham whilst Nepeta picked up a glass of champagne, taking a drink, though she discreetly spat it back into the glass at the taste. Bleh. Alcohol did not sit well with her.

Out of curiosity, Karkat opened up one of the hamburgers to look inside after taking his first bite, prompting him to pipe up once more. Something about the taste seemed familiar. "You know, these moobeast patties are quite similar to the ones they have at Condesce Burger." He said, _still_ finding things to pick at. Nepeta just laughed heartily, waving the claim off dismissively. "Nope! Patented Leijon burgers! Old ancestral recipe!" She said back at him, keeping her hands at her sides.

"...For moobeast patties." Karkat replied, sounding as though he'd just about reached the end of his tether. Unable to come up with a better explanation, Nepeta just continued to smile vacantly at him before letting loose a "Yes!"

"Right, and you call them 'steamed hams' despite the fact these are obviously fucking grilled." Karkat said, pointing the patty at Nepeta so she could see the tell-tale markings from the grill. Fuck. Looks like he had her in checkmate.

"I-... Y-You know--... One thing I should-... Excuse me fur one second!"

"Of course." Karkat rolled his eyes, continuing to eat as Nepeta got up from her seat, heading into the kitchen. Hm, seemed kinda hot in here! The room was completely up in flames, which prompted her to head back out to Karkat within about half a second of being in there. 

She threw her hands up above her head, stretching with a yawn. "Well, that was simply wonderful! Good time was had by all - I'm pawsitively pooped!" She said, trying to look as tired as humanly possible. For a split second, the swinging door allowed the burning kitchen to be seen from where Karkat was standing.

Karkat shrugged, looking at his watch as he took the napkin from out of his sweater, placing it on the table. "Yeah, I should be-- SWEET FUCKING JEGUS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!" Karkat asked, pointing at the bright orange light visible from behind her kitchen door.

"Aurora Borealis?" Nepeta replied almost instantly, which Karkat was none too pleased with.

"A-... **AURORA BOREALIS?**

**AT THIS TIME OF THE FUCKING YEAR**

**AT THIS TIME OF FUCKING DAY**

**IN THIS PART OF THE FUCKING PLANET**

**LOCALIZED _ENTIRELY_ WITHIN _YOUR_ FUCKING KITCHEN?!"**

"Mhm!" Nepeta said, nodding happily.

Karkat was taken aback. He wasn't expecting a positive response to that, which caused him to find himself asking whether or not it was actually possible for Nepeta to be housing Aurora in her hive. Only one way to find out. "...May I see it?" He asked, looking at the closed door. Nepeta put her hand to her chin in consideration. Sure, it meant Karkat would stay for longer... But then he'd realize her hive was on fire! 

"...No."

Nepeta opened the door for Karkat, showing him outside when a voice called out from the upper floor. "Nepeta, I do believe the hive is ablaze." It yelled down, to which Nepeta shouted back up "No, Equihiss, it's just the northern lights!" 

Karkat looked down, and then back up at Nepeta. What a wacky evening this was. "Well, Nepeta, you're a fucking nutjob, but... You steam an above average ham." He said with an appreciative nod before beginning to walk down her front lawn. The fire was now visible in all windows of the hive.

"I... I require some assistance." Her moirail yelled again, which caused Karkat to look back. Nepeta just grinned wider than she even knew she could, holding her thumbs up at Karkat as she remained standing on her porch. Soon enough, Karkat was on his way for good, and she was in the clear.


End file.
